


And you're always there to welcome me home

by Signe_chan



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Always a girl Phil Coulson, F/M, Gender or Sex Swap, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 09:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4054951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint visits Philippa Coulson soon after the birth of her daughter and finds out that taking care of a newborn is quite challenging, even if you're a stone-cold badass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And you're always there to welcome me home

Clint drew his gun and flicked off the safety. Behind the apartment door he could hear a baby screaming. That wasn’t entirely unusual, the unusual thing was that he couldn’t hear anything else. Philippa Coulson was a badass to the first degree and it’d take something drastic to keep her away from her screaming baby.

The door was locked, that was good at least. Baby Emily’s screaming picked up like she could hear him out there and wanted to let him know something was wrong. He pressed the hidden panel in the doorframe open quickly and let it scan his thumb then stepped back as the door swung open.

Emily wailed at the noise and he rushed in as quickly as he could, raising his gun to...nothing.

Nothing. It was all, well, normal. Kind of. Phil was there, only she was face down on the couch. Emily beside her in a mosses basket on the floor. He rushed over but he could clearly see the rise and fall of Phil’s chest.

“Hey,” he said, bending down and shaking Phil’s shoulder. She made a snuffling noise that he’d describe as adorable on anyone else (it was adorable on Phil, too, but he wasn’t willing enough to risk his life to call her that). Sleeping, then. He let his guard fall. Took a second to re-engage the safety on his gun and put it away.

Phil still wasn’t awake which was worrying. Not that he had as much experience of her sleeping as he’d like (he personally thought every night from here on in might be just enough, so long as they stuck to it for a lifetime) but the few times they’d been forced to to share a bedroom together in the field she’d been a light sleeper.

But, then, she hadn’t been a single mother with a three month old baby. That was the difference.

“Hey, baby,” he said, kneeling down next to Emily. She stopped her wailing long enough to look at him, her face still scrunched like she might start screaming again any second. He scooped in and picked her up, cradling her to his chest.

“Hey, you’re a stinky baby,” he said, Emily’s problem making itself obvious as soon as he picked her up. “Is that’s what’s wrong? You’re all stinky. Well, don’t you worry, Uncle Clint’s going to take care of you.”

He glanced back at Phil to make sure she was still asleep. He wasn’t exactly sure how she’d take him referring to himself as Uncle Clint. Normally when he visited he had to fight just for a baby cuddle. She seemed to think it was some kind of massive inconvenience or something to ask him to hold the baby for a few minutes. Like he was going to object to getting a cuddle.

But, then, she’d treat the entire pregnancy like it was some kind of massive inconvenience where he was concerned. He hadn’t worked out quite what to make of that yet.

“Hey, wonderful girl,” he babbled, carrying Emily through to check the front door had closed properly behind him. “Mommy’s just a little tired right now is all. You’re going to be alright.”

Emily sniffled then shoved her hand into her mouth and started sucking on it. That was about her range of motion at the moment and probably meant she was hungry too which meant he was going to have to wake Phil up. Still, at least he could clean the baby up first.

The changing table was in the bedroom so he took Emily through. She made a pitiful little sound when he moved away but didn’t take up wailing again so that was something. He’d grown rather familiar with Phil’s bedroom in the last few months since Emily was born so he found something to change her into pretty easily. He dug around until he found the purple baby-grow he’d bought for her. If he was changing the smelly baby he got to pick her outfit and purple was awesome.

“Okay,” he said. “Now, let’s do this quickly so you don’t get cold.”

He set about carefully stripping her out of the ruined baby-grow (leakage, he could have lived without leakage) and cleaned and changed her. It had been a while since he’d been called on to do this personally but it wasn’t a skill you forgot and soon he had her bundled up and warm and smiling up at him in her little purple outfit.

She wiggled against him and made a pleased little baby sound. He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, careful of the fact that she tended to headbut. He knew she’d already accidentally bloodied Phil’s nose once. It was good. He couldn’t imagine any kid Phil raised not being a fighter.

“Okay,” he said, pausing now to look properly around the room. The pail by the changing table was full and kind of disgusting. The room itself was a mess. There were dirty clothes in piled on the floor and the bed was unmade. Phil made the beds in hotel rooms, this wasn’t like her.

“I guess your mommy needs a little helps,” he said, rubbing Emily’s back. “Wonder if she’ll accept it.”

Emily burbled and shoved her fist back into her mouth. Clint grabbed a baby blanket from the pile and lay it out on the floor then put her down on it, staying there for a second to pull faces at her and watch her react. He kind of loved kids, though he hadn’t had much chance to be around them recently. Being in the circus, the older kids had always had to look out for the younger ones. He’d learnt to change diapers young.

It was the thought of Phil, passed out in the next room, that made him move away. Emily stayed there on the floor, content to wiggle and burble and suck her fist as he moved around her, putting all the dirty things in the basket, taking the garbage quickly to the kitchen to be bagged up to go out, making the bed. It didn’t take long to get the room back in shape.

It was telling, though. As quick as it had been to clean, Phil hadn’t done it. Clint had never known her to be a woman who tolerated mess. Kind of the opposite. Which begged the question, what exactly was going on here?

She hadn’t been expecting him back, he knew that. He’d missed their normal evening. He tried to only come once a week, didn’t want to push his luck by asking for more. He’d have liked to see her more often but...

Either way, he’d been under heavy fire in Donetsk when he should have been seeing Phil and Emily, which sucked. When he’d landed back he’d debriefed and showered and headed over.

The kitchen was worse than the bedroom. There were discarded takeout containers all over the place and, yeah, he knew Phil wasn’t going to win chef of the year but she usually did better than this.

In his arms, Emily was starting to fuss. The sucking on her fist had taken on a kind of frustration and she was being very noisy about it. That probably meant he wasn’t getting away with not waking Phil up for much longer. The problem was, he wasn’t sure that was going to be easy.

Something was clearly very wrong here. Phil was a stone-cold badass but she was also only one person. Taking care of a baby entirely on your own was difficult. He’d offered to help but....well, maybe she’d accept it now.

“Come on then,” he said as Emily started to cry, mashing her little face into his shoulder. “Let’s go wake up Mommy.”

Phil was sprawled across the couch right where they’d left her. She didn’t stir when he came into the room, not even when he approached her. He lay Emily down on the floor though she started to protest and shook Phil’s shoulder.

“Hey,” he said, trying to keep his voice calm. “Hey, you need to wake up now.”

One eyelid fluttered blearily open, then the other. She looked at him for a second like she somehow couldn’t quite process him then, well, he thought she’d meant to bolt upright but she only kind of made it halfway then slouched back into the couch.

“Clint.”

“Yeah,” he said, reaching out to steady her. “Back from Ukraine.”

“Oh,” she said, looking blearily around. A flush started to creep across her cheeks and it wasn’t that Clint didn’t love watching her blush but not under these circumstances.

“Emily needs feeding,” he said. “Then you can go get some sleep, I’ll take care of things for a bit.”

“It’s alright,” Phil said, already arranging the pillows back around herself. “You don’t need to…”

“Phil,” Clint said, lifting Emily up carefully. “You’re exhausted. I’m taking care of Emily for you for a few hours so you can sleep. It’s really not a problem. You know I think she’s awesome.”

“Shouldn’t be making you do that,” Phil grumbled, shifting so he could lay Emily down her side. She was awake enough to take herself out of her shirt at least and Clint sat down beside her, gently manoeuvring Emily into position.

“You’re not making me do anything. And we’re not having an argument. Shut up and let your body do its thing.”

“Whatever,” Phil said, letting her head roll back into the couch. Clint took his own advice and sat there quietly, stroking Emily’s hair and staring at the long column of Phil’s neck. Even like this, exhausted in every way and smelling of milk and baby puke, she was magnificent.

Eventually Emily finished and he lifted her away, settling her on his shoulder to burp her. He did a few laps of the living room like that, humming to her gently as he walked, and by the time he was done Phil was fast asleep again.

“Well,” he said, popping Emily back down in her mosses basket. “Looks like I win the argument anyway.”

Once his arms were clear of baby, he picked Phil up instead. She didn’t weigh that much, not even as much as the last time he’d done this which wasn’t a great sign. She also didn’t wake up as he carried her through and lay her on her bed. He gave himself one indulgent minute to sit there next to her and think about what might have been. There had been a glorious few weeks when he’d thought he might finally end up here but, well…

Still, they were friends. Friends was a lot better than nothing.

In the living room Emily had apparently fallen asleep so he took the time to clean around. It wasn’t too much of a mess, at least. Then he took up the moses basket and headed to the kitchen.

The fact that it was mostly takeout containers make it both better and worse. Better because he could just throw the lot into a trash bag and tie it up, making short work of what had looked like a real mess. Worse because it meant Phil hadn’t even had the energy to do this herself though she hated things messy. Her office at HQ was the most well organised place Clint had ever been.

It was also bad because he doubted any of the cartons had contained anything with the kind of nutritional value she needed when nursing.

He checked back in on Emily, still sleeping, then did a sweep of the cupboards. He came up, eventually, with half a bag of couscous, some condiments and a tin of peach slices. Which probably explained the takeout. It also left him with only one option.

“Alright,” he said, heading back over to the mosses basket. “Looks like you and me are going shopping.”

It didn’t take long for Clint to appreciate why Phil had been avoiding doing this. Just getting the stuff together was tiring. There was a diaper bag by the door but it was empty, he had to fill it. Then he had to fold out the stroller and wake Emily up to get her in it which she protested to before settling down again. Then he had to wake her up again to get a sweater on her in case she was too cold and wrap her in blankets.

He felt tired before he’d even gotten out of the door and she was being cooperative. He hated to think what this must be like for Phil.

His final act before leaving the house was to let himself back into the bedroom and leave a note on Phil’s pillow explaining where they were going and why. He didn’t think she’d wake up but better to be safe. He resisted the urge to kiss her on the forehead as he left but only just.

The supermarket trip was interesting. Three people stopped him and commented on how cute his daughter was. He corrected the first one then stopped. It wasn’t like it’d hurt for a couple of people to think something about him that wasn’t true and he wasn’t exactly averse to the idea of Emily being his daughter. It wasn’t like she had her real dad in the picture.

When Phil had found out she was pregnant he’d been on the verge of asking. Been maybe minutes from saying, hey, this doesn’t have to change things between us. They were only a few dates into the thing that never was and it was a lot to offer but he’d been her partner in a lot of others ways for a long time. Had loved her for a long time. Of course he wanted to be her partner in this.

The problem was that while the words were still forming on his lips she’d told him the entire thing was off. She was going to be a mother, didn’t have time to start a new relationship.

And that was alright, it really was. He’d been her friend for years. He could be her friend. Was glad to be her friend. It was great. He still got to play with Emily and she didn’t have more than she felt she could handle and that was fine. It really was.

Only he did still love her. And she was apparently running herself into the ground.

Emily stayed quiet for the trip around the store and by the time they got back she’d drifted off to sleep. Clint didn’t press his luck with her too much, leaving her sleeping where she was in the hallway and creeping down to the kitchen. From there he unloaded his bags. Turned out that as much as he could reasonably carry with a baby wasn’t much when it came down to it. Just enough for ingredients for his famous mac and cheese.

Well, maybe famous was overstating it. He’d always loved mac and cheese. It had been a staple in the circus because it was cheap and easy to make in bulk. He’d basically grown up on the stuff. Maybe the reason it was his favourite was because Barney hated it. When it was mac and cheese Clint was basically guaranteed a full stomach because Barney would leave his.

When Clint had joined SHIELD and, for the first time in his life, had access to cooking facilities and the ability to learn, he’d focused in on mac and cheese. In those early days someone had told him it was better to do one dish well than many badly. Years of experimentation had given him a favourite brand of pasta and very strong opinions on the correct ratio of different cheeses to make the perfect sauce. It was the one thing in the kitchen he made really well.

He’d made it on the night when Phil had told him she was pregnant. He’d naively thought that her asking to meet him alone was a good sign. Not so much.

He’d known about Emily’s dad, obviously, though he never knew the guy’s name. Knew that Phil had someone. A cellist. It had been a thing but it hadn’t been serious, not really. When he’d moved back to Portland Phil had been less than heartbroken and Clint had asked her out.

And then there’d been Emily.

He cleaned the kitchen thoroughly while he was waiting for dinner to cook. Scrubbed every surface. He’d made enough to feel Phil for a couple of days, better for her than takeout. Especially since she was breast feeding. It was no wonder, really, she was so tired.

He was nearly done in the kitchen when he heard the cry. It was a pitiful little thing, almost not worth the effort but by the time he'd made it to the kitchen door Phil was already there lifting her daughter into her arms. He let himself watch them for a second, watch as Phil settled the baby onto her hip. All he really wanted was to go over there and hug them both.

He made himself go back into the kitchen. That wasn't a moment for him, Phil had made that clear. Family friends didn't go for a cuddle. And that's all he was. A friend.

He used his time plating up a portion of the mac and cheese. Watching the cheese strands hang down from the pasta as he transferred it to the bowl and trying to pretend that was really fascinating and he didn't wish he was in the other room at all.

"Hey," he said when Phil's nose finally lead her through to him. "I made you dinner."

"Thanks," he said, looking a little sheepish. The few hours of sleep she'd managed to grab on his watch clearly hadn't been entirely enough. "That looks great. Your mac and cheese?"

"It's the only thing I can cook. Wouldn't want to poison you."

"No, it's delicious," she said, seating herself at the table with the baby on her thigh. Now Emily was awake and had their attention she seemed quite content to sit there and burble. "You didn't...thank you. The last thing I meant was for any of this to inconvenience you."

"You keep saying that," Clint grumbled, putting the plate down in front of her so she could eat one-handed. "I don't get why you think I don't want to help."

"Well," she said, blinking. "I mean, I know you do. I guess. I just...I'm too tired for this right now, Clint."

"Yeah, sorry," Clint said. He suspected she'd always be too tired for this conversation since he was pretty sure it linked into the 'why I dumped you' conversation. She'd mentioned inconveniencing him then, too. Like he cared. Like loving a kid was some kind of terrible task she'd asked of him. He'd done terrible things for Phil over the years, loving Emily wasn't one of them.

"It's alright," Phil grumbled, loading up her fork. "You can go now if you want. I can't really entertain you right now."

"And you think I need entertaining why?" Clint asked.

"Well, you came to see me..."

"Yeah," Clint agreed. "Because I want to see you. Phil, you know I don't expect anything from you when I come to see you, right?"

"Of course," Phil said, though she seemed less sure than he might have liked.

"You know I come to visit you because I care about you, right? I mean, you're important to me is all.I want to be here for you and Emily. That's why I come visit. I'm not trying to, I don't know, hang out or something. I just want to see you."

"Well, you've seen me," she said with a tired shrug.

"Yeah," Clint agreed. Because he really had. He was maybe seeing her properly for the first time in quite a while. "I have. So I'm going to stick around for a bit. Not long. I mean, I'm not trying to outstay my welcome or anything. I just want to help you and, no offense Phil, you need it."

"I don't," she protested, though she had the decency to flush a little. "Thousands of women cope with this every day."

"So, what, they don't have friends to take care of them so you shouldn't use yours? That's stupid."

"It's not that..."

"I don't think any less of you for this, you know. I mean, Phil, I could never think any less of you. You've saved my life more times than I can remember and you think I'm going to stop caring about you because you're actually human under there."

"It's not that either," Phil said, refusing to meet his eye. "Look, I'll get help. I will. I promise you, Clint. You don't need to be here."

A chill settled over him at the words. She was throwing him out. Really throwing him out. It wasn't the help thing, it was him specifically that was the problem.

Dammit, she'd probably been planning to break up with him even before Emily. Probably haven't even meant to go on the first date with him. He probably took her by surprise. Of course, she was an amazing woman. She could do a lot better than him so why would she waste her time?

"Okay, whatever you're thinking, stop," Phil said, and she sounded a lot more like herself than anything else she's said recently. "I...this is difficult when I'm so tired, Clint."

"I know," he agreed. "That's why I'm offering to stop and help for a while. So you can get some sleep and get back to being yourself. I just..."

"I appreciate the offer, I really do," she said, reaching across the table to take his hand. "I just, aren't there other things you'd rather be doing? You have a life. I mean, I've made my choices. I didn't have to keep Emily, but I chose to. That was my choice, not yours."

Clint blinked. The pieces were starting to shuffle into place and he was really hating the picture they were making.

"Alright, let me see if I understand. You think I don't really want to be here."

"Not that. More that you shouldn't have to be here."

"Is this why you broke up with me?"

"Clint..."

"Because I thought at first it was because you were going to go back to Emily's dad but you didn't and then I thought that maybe you just didn't need the stress of me and the mess my life is when you had a baby and that's completely valid but now I'm getting this thing where you seem to think having Emily means I won't want you any more."

"Don't you? Who wants to raise another man's child?"

"Me? Or, well, god this is too forward but I want to help you raise your child. I'm here, Phil. You're stuck with me unless you throw me out. I don't care who biologically made Emily, she's awesome. You're awesome."

"You have a life..."

"Yeah, and I kind of want to share it with the two of you. If you want. I mean, I'm a mess and I do stupid things all the time but I DO care about you. And maybe this won't work out but if the only reason we're not trying is that you think I don't want you because of the baby then, well, you're dead wrong."

"Clint," she said. She was apparently at a loss for words but she held out her hand over the table and he took it, squeezing it tightly. He felt like his heart was on his sleeve. Only not, more exposed than that even. Like he'd just carved a chunk from his soul and held it out for her to inspect. To keep if she'd like.

God but he hoped she wanted to keep it.

"You know," he said, squeezing his hand. "This really isn't going to be easy."

"The things worth effort never are."

"I'll remember you've said that next time I'm getting you to do paperwork."

"Well, maybe that's the exception to the rule."

There was another silence. She sat there with the baby in one hand and him in the other. He watched her turn it over in her head. She really must be too tired for this and he felt kind of awful for putting it on her but he hadn't meant for it to come out this way.

"Clint," she said, finally, quietly. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," he said, squeezing her had. "I should have mentioned it from the start. Yeah, I'm sure. What I want, more than anything, is to be here with the two of you. Any way you'll have me."

"Then there's really nothing else to say," she said. He couldn't help but stand then, coming around the table to her. She looked a little lost, very tired. He wasn't used to seeing so much emotion on her face and it made him kind of glad to think that maybe he was the only one who really got to see this. When he kissed her it was soft and gentle. A promise. He'd go slow. Hang back until she was feeling up to a real conversation. He'd let her set boundaries and make choices.

But they were going to do something. Because he loved her. He loved them both.

When he pulled back to reached down and took Emily from her arms. Emily looked at him like she wasn't sure about it but quickly came back to smiles when he grinned at her. She really did have a beautiful smile, this kid. His kid, maybe. He really really hoped that was where this was going.

His kid.

"Now eat your cheese," he said, looking up at Phil. "We can do this talking thing again when you're better but for now you're resting and eating."

"Yes boss," she said with a roll of her eyes, reaching for the bowl again. He went back to his seat, taking the baby with him. He got the idea that the next few days were going to be challenging. He doubted they'd reached the end of this conversation and there were logistics. He was going to have to take Emily to his place to pick up clothes and stuff, going to have to phone in for a few days to give Phil the space to get some rest. Let her finally get a full night's sleep if he could.

It was going to be a pain but it'd be worth it. He looked at Phil and it was going to be so worth it. They'd work it out together, the two of them. And now, if he actually made this work, he didn't just get Phil, he got a daughter too.

Things were pretty good, really. Not bad at all.


End file.
